As
I look around our small church I watch the faces of our members
as we sing. I find myself wondering as I stare at their expressions,
what is really in their hearts at this moment. In some, I see those
singing with a smile on their faces, with true joy and the love
of god in their hearts. I see the freedom in them and I know why
they are here. And then there are those who find it hard to sing
the songs we are singing, Faces drawn, some even looking bored.
These are the ones I really wonder about. Why are they really here?
Are
they here to worship God or are they here to make themselves feel
better. I wonder myself what face I am wearing. I tell myself; at
least I try to sing the songs with feeling some don't even move
their lips. But Am I a good Christian? Why am I here?
For
most of my life I have wondered about God. I believed, but wanted
proof to satisfy the skeptic in me. I always felt like I was missing
out on something. I always felt empty in my heart but never knowing
why. I have had a great life and should have been joyful, should
have been happy. But I always felt like I was searching for something,
not knowing what. I never seemed to be satisfied.
Now I think maybe I was searching for God. Because since I found
this small little church I feel my search is over. I don't feel
as empty and I don't feel as alone inside. I find these new senses
of wholeness funny since I haven't really haven't spent much time
in the church or with its members. I haven't participated in many
church functions. And when I did I was sort of anonymous. You know,
always ready to give but missing in the flesh where it really counts.
Some
say it is enough to come on just Sunday, others say its not. As
for me it is all I feel I can do at this moment. Or, it is all I
will let myself do at this moment. Life has a funny way of teaching
you lessons. And I feel like I am in one of those life lessons right
now. I feel the urge to just let go, take god in my heart and let
him have his way with me, but still I resist. Life has taught me
to be cautious. Anything that sounds too good to be true…well we
all know how that goes.
Also there are those around me who test me. Challenge the word of
God. Why should I doubt them, I have trusted them with my heart
for so long why would they try to lead me astray? I guess it's because
loving god is a commitment and it is hard work. Like a marriage
it is something you have to work on everyday to keep it alive. Most
don't want to be bothered, and feel there are more pressing issues.
"God will be there on Sunday I can see him then.
How sad are we that we cannot sing with feeling. I ask you, are
our lives so miserable we can't or don't want to rejoice for one
day with the lord, to clap our hands, to praise his holly name?
What is holding us back? Are we afraid that someone is watching,
judging us?
Well if you are worried about me I have decided it is not up to
me to wonder about you, who am I to wonder about others when I can
not deal with my own soul. I guess I can excuse it as just being
human nature. It is easier to worry about other peoples issues,
instead of dealing with my own. But God will forgive me….right?
God will forgive me of everything.
What you do in church is between you and God. And unlike me, He
will be watching…
(Anonymous)